Why Men Won’t Commit

Aren’t any older women out there explaining men to young women? Don’t women gain any sense of wisdom about men after years of experience?

The popular Modern Love feature in today’s NY Times style section was disappointing. I just read it. It’s about a young woman who can’t get a man to commit. (It was ever thus, and thusly, disappointing.) She’s not sure why she wants this, but she just sort of does. In the article she reeled off a list of, at least, a dozen different hook-ups of one degree of seriousness or another.

Here’s my advice to that young woman and others like her:

Men and women are different. They want different things. In general, men want sex. Lots of it, with lots of different women. Particularly when they are young. Now men will often commit to a woman to get a regular supply of sex (and the companionship), and men, too, fall in love. But banking on these random, and in the case of the former, unsavory, possibilities is strategically foolish. Trust me on this: men can see you as nothing more than an object (look at pornography if you don’t believe me), and they can have sex, in fact, strongly desire sex, without a shred – and I mean nothing – of emotional intimacy.

To get sex, men will lie to you in a way that will make you curse your gullibility later. They will tell you that you are beautiful, that you remind them of their grandmother, a famous celebrity, whomever. They will let you think you’ve figured out things about them so that you’ll fall more deeply for them. And then they’ll get the hell out of there.

Now, why do they do this? Why won’t men commit?

Ultimately, because commitment forecloses male options. In short, it reduces the likelihood of sex with other women.

And that, right there, is the entire rub.

The fundamental purpose of our existence is procreation. I won’t go into a long disquisition (nor am I qualified to) about male evolutionary biology, but the basic dynamic of an abundant resource – sperm – seeking a relatively rare resource – the egg – means that the best bet for men to procreate is to spread as much of the sperm around as they can with the hope of fertilizing an egg. This makes intuitive sense and there is significant research to support the conclusion. Any appeal to reason, feminist logic, or modern contraceptives cannot stop the male’s unconscious, “genetic” perception of sex.

He simply wants, on a deep, instinctual level, more than one woman.

This truth, however, doesn’t mean that men won’t commit and it doesn’t excuse cheaters. It just means that, on balance, if men could, they would sleep with multiple women instead of just one. Accepting this fact about men, without excusing any bad behavior, will make your life easier.

(Now here’s a qualifying remark for those women who take exception to, or who are doubtful about, this biological reductionism.)

All people evaluated on all scales fall on a bell curve. Some women don’t want commitment and desire sex like a man. Some men want stability and desire commitment like a woman. But these people are on the extremes of the bell curve. Most people are in the middle. Most women want commitment and some sex, and most men want sex and some commitment. If you’re a woman, it’s up to you to find out where you are on the bell curve. What do you really want? What do you really value?

If you really value commitment, then what can you do to find a man who a) is on the extreme (or nearer the extreme) commitment end of the male sexual bell curve, or b) will fall in love with you?

Now, here’s the hard part. The part every woman I’ve ever said this to hates. Make them WAIT.

I know women need sex too, but again, for most, it’s not the kind of sex that men need. So have that fling with the hot dude if you know that’s all it is. Go for it. Bonk his brains out! But don’t expect him to call you. Don’t expect him to commit to anything. Accept that you’re just fulfilling a physical – not an emotional – need.

Otherwise, you’ve got to make men wait. Here’s what that will do. It will improve the odds that a man is either an (a) or a (b). If he waits around for six months while you freeze him out, there’s a pretty good chance he’ll call the next day.

I don’t want to go on forever, so I’ll just wrap up by saying this:

If this sounds terrible to you, don’t do it. You’ll very likely end up falling in love with someone and getting married (though not necessarily to the same person). The only thing that you will gain by doing what I have suggested is that you will be less likely to get hurt.

But if you feel the pain is worth it, that experience builds character and you’ll be better for it, do whatever you want. Just know that anticipation can be amazingly hot, and give you plenty to obsess about too.

In either case, that’s the advice older women should be giving to younger women.

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12 Responses to Why Men Won’t Commit

  1. […] Commit II It has become apparent that a number of women have read my earlier post, Why Men Won’t Commit, without fully understanding why their particular man won’t commit. Given that it is […]

  2. Uncleduke316 says:

    maybe men don’t want to commit because we’re sick and damn tired of women running our lives and being reduced to glorified houseboys and atm machines with neckties, and after years of being good husbands and fathers havng them take us for everything they have even if THEY work and earn MORE than we do!!!women SAY they want “equality”, they show their true colors when the bill comes due don’t they?when women enjoy job security thanks to affirmative action they STILL LEAVE you after you lose your job, six months to a year TOPS. white men more than others know this to be true. Every time you hear some feminist pundit bitch about how men make more for the same job she ALWAYS ignores the FACT that MEN PAY MORE. WE pay more INSURANCE. WE are expected to be able to PROVIDE. WE have to carry families until they can get back to their “careers”. and they have

    Also: does it EVER OCCUR to them they need to STOP DATING ASSHOLES and start looking at their “nice” straight guy friends they refuse to sleep with??? it’s NEVER their OWN damn fault!!!!

  3. Uncleduke316 says:

    typo with the and they have after careets. Still, why should a man spend all that hard earned money on dating, married and divorce when he get can blown a couple times a week at a strip club for so much less????

  4. Uncleduke316 says:

    dating marriage and divorce..

  5. 2twentythree3 says:

    loved it .. very true, except my other half (almost) cheated, and when I asked why he said ‘just for sex’……..my reply ‘but we have sex almost four times if not five times a week, that’s a lot?’
    him .. i know im sorry, i just wanted to have sex with someone else, I don’t know why, I do love you, I just don’t know why!

    Soooooooo.. reading that it literally is just ‘sex’ to them, an ‘object’ .. I don’t care, at the end of the day, he does love me, but ……….. he’s just a man.

  6. Lisa says:

    This works. If you like someone and want a committed, mutually respectful relationship, a woman must wait. Good guys will respect her. It’s true. The fact that there are not that many good guys out there should not deter you – wait for the good ones (and have fun on the side with the not so good ones, safely). You deserve a good one. Yes, women think this is insane…until they look at the evidence all around them that points exactly to the very truth at the heart of the above essay. What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

    I finally listened to this advice after years of dating and bad relationships. I met someone I liked a lot, he asked me out and we dated for THREE MONTHS before sex. Man, it was hard to do.. Now, it was only a couple of weeks (and five dates) before I made him happy OTHERWISE, if you get my drift, but as for full blown giving up my body to him, it was just about three months. In fact, I was dating other people when we first started seeing each other, and he knew it (he was too) but since we had something special he dropped the other women and wanted me to see only him before we started having sex. If that isn’t a good guy who knows the value of intimacy, I don’t know what is. And believe me, girls, a good man knows what you have is valuable and WILL NOT PUSH you into sex before you are ready. They might try, and sometimes it is a subconsious test to see how you value yourself – ifyou sleep with them too fast, they know you’ll do it/have done it with others. Of course, now I’m on the other end of the scale, two years into the relationship and I just broke up with him because he can’t comit to marriage. But hey, the relationships between was just absolutely beautiful!

    There are good men out there who were raised right. It is your job to find one and make it special. Boys will be boys.

  7. J says:

    Why are men and women supposed to be together if they are so different? Sure, you can get into the primal argument of the roles of men and women, however, why do women get hurt? Because we are all human- a person, and all us women feel the right to be treated with that dignity and respect. It’s not about gender. A mature person sees past that and values a human being. Unfortunately, I don’t think lot of people grow and mature to a place where they truly understand valuing someone, can make a true commitment because of that, understand what this can offer and how fulfilling it can be.

  8. jahan says:

    J is the only right one here.

  9. Suzy says:

    Men are pigs – in cave man times they would rape and kill women. Thats why even in modern society they only think with their willys. Men are covered in hair and smell bad, they are practically apes. Men don’t know how to love, they never make any loving gestures like writing poems or books about love. All they do is look at boobs.

  10. blork says:

    clueless Suzy…men are men…not women…we are body-based…we don’t need poetry etc. like women do

    women actually have more hair (on their head) than men…and can smell really bad too

    men love as men…women love as women…we need to learn from eachother

    you’re lucky you live in a Christian nation – otherwise women would be treated like animals…as they are in other nations/cultures

  11. kate says:

    I feel that women in western society need to be held to a higher standard and should not be allowed to have their cake and it it too. Honestly one of the simplest reasons men won’t committ on top of all the others is that they will get finacially ass raped by their wife in court. A man stands to lose more then half his assets apon divorce and will give up all his earinings for the 7 to 10 year period he worked before the marriage fallied. Not to mention alimony and child support for children he probably will have less the equal rights to see. Untill the divorce code is dirastically changed to be less sexist no man should get married considering there is a 60% chance his marriage will fail.

  12. Damien says:

    ::::Why Men Increasingly Avoid Marriage:::::::

    Across the internet, women have begun making statements such as:

    Why are men avoiding marriage?
    Why do guys avoid commitment?

    Being single sucks.

    A Carl Weisman study showed American men are increasingly avoiding marriage. In many other countries, like Italy, Spain, Australia and so on, Men fear getting involved in bad marriages with bad wives. This fear is partly driven by the Nazifeminist based anti-husband messages of women’s magazines, TV and writers.

    For example, look at those femminine Magazines, many claims their marriage survey shows moms are angry at their husbands “at surprising levels”. They state husbands “often don’t notice what needs to be done around the house or with the kids”.

    They also claim husbands have “more time to themselves” as compared with moms. Their survey stated 46% of moms get irate with their husbands once a week or more. Lisa Bain, executive editor of Parenting Magazine said “The truth is if you prick any one of us with a little pin, anger comes out”. Female writers of ABC News and the Associated Press discussed the survey and expressed outrage at husbands.

    However, the magazine’s survey completely ignored husbands. No husband was asked anything. His opinions were considered unimportant. His efforts at work were ignored and he was largely unappreciated by his wife, also this trend is the same when someone interview people in the streets, very few men and a lot of women.

    Another example: One stay at home mom participating in the survey stated she was angered at her husband (who worked 11 hour days) because he set aside some time one day a week to be an independent music producer – something he enjoyed. Another wife responding to the survey stated though her husband did 60% of the housework plus his job, she was angered she had to ask him to do housework.

    Single men wonder why is he doing 60% of the work plus his job. They think:

    Why should I get married if my opinions don’t matter?
    Why would I want to marry a woman who will be mad at me every week for the rest of my life because I don’t do things her way?
    Why is she my boss?

    It should also be noted none of the wives in the survey report stated they help their husband with house repairs. Additionally, Glen Sacks stated, according to the Bureau of Labor Statics, men’s time to themselves is a meaningless 1% higher than women’s.

    Another example: aMERICAN women’s magazine “Double X”, promotes books where wives cheat on their husbands. The book ‘Prospect Park West’ was promoted with the headline “Mommies Want to Have Sex, Just Not With Their Husbands”.

    The book ‘The Seven Year Itch’ was promoted with the question “is it still realistic to expect wives to remain faithful to their husbands?” Conversely Double X continuously criticizes cheating husbands. The feminist notion its acceptable for a wife to cheat but wrong for her husband to be unfaithful has also been promoted by the online women’s magazine Ivillage (though not all its writers agree with this mentality), female writers of the online magazine Askmen and, incredibly, Men’s Health Magazine. Additionally, female reporters of ABCNews & Good Morning America continuously criticize cheating husbands. They refuse to criticize cheating wives.

    Single men think:
    Why get married if its ok for my wife to cheat but I have to remain faithful?
    Why should I give up dating different women to be married to a cheating wife?
    Why should I accept abuse?

    Many husbands around the world have begun asking these same questions and have begun dumping their cheating wives in increasing numbers. This has given rise to websites such as “Stop Your Divorce in 4weeks” and “Cheatingways”. These sites seek to prevent husbands from divorcing their cheating wives. The 2nd site (owned by a woman) actually encourages wives to cheat on their husbands. It offers wives a wealth of tips on how to deceive and fraud their husband. The site apparently was not founded with this intent but, like most of the countries all over the world, drifted into an anti-husband mentality!

    Single men think:

    Since marriage means the exploitation of husbands then why the hell should I get married? Do they think I’m stupid?

    Lastly, in many countries (e.g: U.S.A, Spain, Italy and so on) divorce laws also cause men to fear marriage.

    The feminist judicial system often rules against husbands in divorce. Husband’s are usually ordered to pay large alimony / child support payments to the ex-wife. Some claim the child support payments contain hidden alimony. In many countries, these payments don’t decrease if the ex-wife’s income dramatically increases after the divorce or if she get another man/husband.

    Though some wives with high paying jobs have been ordered to pay alimony/child support to their ex-husbands, many judges are reluctant to apply divorce laws equally. Additionally, if the husband later loses his job & fails to continue child support payments, he will be jailed or punished severely!

    A husband may also face false accusations of sexual and child abuse during the divorce. In those countries with heavy feminist bureaucracy, the husband will have to prove his innocence while stay in prison.

    Some wives will interfere with the husband’s visitation rights to his children. In feminist oriented countries, the courts will do nothing to stop her. And paternity fraud remains legal.

    ::::::The divorce system is designed to trap men in bad marriages with bad wives.

    An increasing number of men in many countries are now reaching the conclusion that being a husband is not worth it. The better deal is to remain single and have a series of relationships with different women while pursuing hobbies and life goals.
    Additionally, a college educated single man can have a very good life.

    What if everything were reversed.

    What if only a husband’s perspective was important in marriage and cheating was only wrong for the wife?
    What if the family court system discriminated against wives?
    Would women want to become wives to the massive degree they do today?

    Doubtful.

    By nature, men and women are companions. By Nazifeminism, men and women are now adversaries.

    No word of lie, I withness men who was involved with women who would complain if they took the garbage out and put in the wrong trash can. She had two, and they both went out to the curb on Mondays, but if they put it in the can further from the door going outside, there was hell to pay.

    Still another would bitch at me for doing my own laundry…the wrong way…meaning “not the way I do my own”.

    Guys, you get married and you will always be wrong. Now I understand that these are smallish things over which to get upset, but if you get this kind of treatment for stupid and pointless shit, what kind of treatment can you expect with more important stuff?

    Marriage is voluntary slavery for any man. The only joy a wife has is complaining about everything you do, everything you say, and everything you believe. They may not all be ball-busting bull dykes, but they sure as hell think of you as nothing but a child needing her guidance; and a stupid one at that.

    Women wonder what happened to all the nice guys. When they say they want someone nice, they mean someone who never rebels, never disagrees, and only talks about what she wants to talk about. Don’t even think about considering yourself a self-realized human being. At best, you are an errant pet. Don’t believe me? Watch how they all spit venom amongst themselves when the men-folk are out of ear shot. It isn’t enough to merely be a decent if flawed man. You have to be “nice”.

    ::::Men’s reproductive rights? none!

    It doesn’t matter if it’s planned or not, NO MALE has any reproductive rights whatsoever.

    Meanwhile women have dozens of means of contraception, the right to abort WITHOUT the other parent’s consent, complete control over any male’s reproductive destiny, the right to simply dump babies they don’t want and more.

    It’s way past time women were required by law to acquire the father’s consent before proceding with any pregnancy. His involvement in the process should be both voluntary AND consensual.

    The only fact is that women have control over every part of the reproductive cycle – from pre-conception via contraceptives, to pregnancy via legalized abortions, and even post-birth via adoption and no penalized abandonment. A woman does not have to be a mother, if she so chooses.

    Now let’s look at what reproductive rights men have. They have none!

    If a woman gets pregnant, and can easily terminate it or give it away, she can choose to keep it so she can extract money from the man. Conversely, she can choose to kill the unborn baby, even if the man wants it.

    So I must disagree with statement that both parties should pay out of wedlock. Until men have equal reproductive rights (funny how women only want equality when it benefits them exclusively), all responsibilities should be solely placed on the woman who chooses to become a parent when she can opt out of it at any time.

    Marriage is the biggest source of depression and soul-crushing malaise for men in many countries. Nothing else even comes close.

    It is no wonder that the marriage rate is dropping fast everywhere, and that 40% of people say “marriage is obsolete”. Data from the U.K. that has not been cherrypicked to favor marriage shows that men who don’t marry are happier then men in any kind of marriage; And men who never marry have less heart disease than married men now. The old saw about married men “living longer” has also been disproven, with newer, better data.

    :::: Divorce: Men are doomed, women wins the pot!

    The only certain way to avoid losing the house, children, money, cars, and mental and physical health is not married.

    Each strategy, action plan and various precautions that you may take before get married, do not solve two major problems related to marriage in a feminist society like ours.

    The first of these two main problems arises when you get married: your wife from that moment, takes the knife by the handle.

    The second problem is that in case of separation, in most cases is the man to lose everythings.

    Regarding the first problem, your girlfriend just became “wife” is automatically invested by State laws with a great new power that earlier, during the normal relationship, did not have.

    It ‘s the power of using blackmail as a weapon in this Feminist State society, that is threatening the separation with everything that goes with it (the second problem).

    All the grains of the first problem can manifest itself in countless ways. An example: you have children, you want to send them to private school, your wife, to public school. Discuss, argue, and do not come to a compromise. In the evening, or night, your wife decides to revenge about you in a snake way: she doesn’t make love with you, for days, weeks, sometimes even for mouths.

    This weapon, we may name it “sexual blackmail”, she had it also before marriage, but it was fair, since you could oppose the other weapons:

    1) I leave you,
    2) I go with another woman better than you,
    3) I go to prostitutes,

    etc.etc.

    All these weapons, balancing the relactionship between men and women, now doesn’t works anymore!, well, you still have them but you can potentially backfire yourself!

    if you leave it, go with another, go to prostitutes or else your wife could use his new femminist State laws power, which did not had before, and invoke the rules (female), asking for the separation and punish you with everything that goes with it.

    During the marriage your wife can do the good and the bad weather, i doesn’t matter how much “land” you have in a marriage, keep in mind that she always rule on the entire playing field, and this one of those situations where the only way to don’t lose, is not to play.

    In other words, will you board a plane if you already knows that the chances it may crash is above 70%?? Doubtful.

    Do not get married.. We can not and should not entrust our fate to the only “good heart” of the woman you’re set, since for men are missing a number of safeguards that make the marriage the equivalent of Russian roulette (loaded with five bullets..)

    Once you become aware of this, we must consider the underlying problems, and before you ask “is convenient for me to get married?” you Would be better to ask yourself “why I want to get marry?”.

    For believers, this needs may arise to make the sacrament of marriage. But let me tell you.. does this sacrament make sense in a corrupted society, where the marriage seems to have become an excuse to have joy in the church for a day, have a good time for a week going “honeymoon in the Maldives”, only to dissolve this “sacred link “when you wife decide it’s time to” break free from the chains of marriage (but not from your bank account)?

    Is this or not, for believers, a serious insult to the sacrament of marriage?

    Just as in a church, used for black prayers and the adoration of the devil should not celebrate prayers, so in a society corrupted by feminist cancer, a church should not be used to clean the traditions that we have only in the outer shell, but within inside is corrupted and decaying.

    For non-believers, however, the issue is much simpler, and decide not to marry takes a sense of independence from the increasingly oppressive rule from this NAZIFEMMINIST State laws against men in many countries!

    Let me ask you, Why give the State more freedom to enter right into our bedrooms, giving women more options to punish men when she decide that this is right? why let them be the judges of men sentimental/economical life?

    This power, which the NAZIFEMMINIST State laws has used and continues to use to transfer money from men’s wallets in women’s pockets, and to widen the freedom of all proportion to the detriment of women than men, now sees its greatest expression in the Marriage!

    The only solution, TODAY, is: AVOID MARRIAGE.

    If you want to live the experience of married life, you can always experiment with cohabitation, longer or shorter, always provided that they are not made more insidious and misleading laws to equate cohabitation with marriage! talk straight to your partner that you are not ready for marriage and eventually you’ll never be… and if they start to argue with you that you are selfish and you should grow up and get your responsabilities, it means that you should be ready to be enslaved to what they thing is best for you.. so ditch them as soon as you can! if you don’t want to be another bancomat/ATM men with the word “welcome” tatooed in your shoulders, just to remember that you become a new Nazifeminist’s slave!

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