Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin accepted her party’s nomination for Vice President tonight at the Republican National Convention with a breathtaking evocation of the America’s greatest ideals and triumphs, sending the packed convention into frenzied paroxysms of joy. The speech, which was of just the right length, and touched on every major issue facing the country with clear, masterful command, is already being hailed as the greatest speech in American history.
“I think this is right up there with the Gettysburg Address,” said William Kristol, of the Weekly Standard. “She showed tonight that not only is she ready on Day 1 to be vice-president, but that she is, in fact, the best candidate for any office this country has ever seen. It was a game-changing, grand slam dunking, turn-off the voting machines, this race is over, kind of a speech. Certainly, there is no further need to pay any attention to her record, experience, or family problems. She has put all questions to rest tonight with one magnificent, barn-burning, doozy of a matter-settling stemwinder.
Convention-goers echoed Kristol’s praise.
Jane Smith from Houston, Texas said, “What? Did you say something? I am having trouble breathing. I’m overcome. What? I have this feeling of ecstasy – it must be from God –wait, this is sign. Omigod, a sign! She’s from God. Her speech was from God. God was speaking through Sarah Palin tonight. Yes, that’s it. Oh, heaven be praised, we’ve witnessed a miracle. I can’t breathe. Omigod!”
The Obama campaign, caught off-guard by the speech’s insane greatness, issued a meek and confused statement that we won’t bother quoting, but suffice it to say, there are rumors floating around that Obama/Biden are now considering conceding the election.
The praise poured in from every corner of America:
Rudy Giuliani: “On 9/11, I acted like a pussy compared to how Sarah Palin would have acted.”
Joe Lieberman: “Sarah Palin can build a bridge to somewhere over the partisan divide that has led the Democratic Party away from its Iraq-war loving neo-conservative roots.
Carly Fiorina (and a chorus of other GOP women): “Not loving Sarah Palin’s speech is an act of misogyny akin to rape. Women in America won’t stand for it.”
George Will: “I’m hungry for moose!”
The entire staff of the National Review: Why isn’t the liberal media now declaring the race over? It’s crystal clear that Sarah Palin is the second coming of Reagan, TR, Churchill, and the founding fathers all rolled into one.”
Sean Hannity: Is Barack Hussein Obama’s blackness and muslimity treasonous? I don’t know about you, but I think so.
Patrick Buchanan: “Sarah Palin has no affiliation with me and I love Jews anyway.”
John McCain: “I am her and she is me. Our souls our now fused forever.”
Needless to say, we’ll be reporting on this story from now until the foregone conclusion formerly known as election day. We hope you’ll join us.