Futures Rises on Nuclear Destruction of U.S. Cities

Stock futures rose overnight as five major American cities were destroyed by nuclear weapons. It’s not so much that the economic news is good, it’s that traders see glimmers of hope in the bad news.

“The worst is over,” said Alex Nussbaum, of ETFO Capital Management. “We’ve had five major cities wiped out so it seems likely that their will be fewer destroyed in the future. Plus, New York City was bypassed, and that’s a big greenshoot.”

Indeed, investors seemed to find greenshoots everywhere in the news. Fallout readings for regions surrounding the bombed cities indicate levels far below physicists estimates.

“The bull is back,” said Tad Tucker-Jones, of Knightbridge Securities. “We’ve seen a bottom here and Dow 15,000 is on the horizon.”

No time to continue this…but you get the point.

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2 Responses to Futures Rises on Nuclear Destruction of U.S. Cities

  1. forny says:

    The fix is in, friend.

  2. Matt Raft says:

    Just a small point: you mis-spelled “their”–it should be “there.”

    Nice “War of the Worlds” post, Orson.

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